All is Well

Tomorrow is April 29th, 2024.

Tomorrow, my ex-husband, a sexual predator, is released from prison.

14 years went far too fast.

It’s not that I’ve dwelled on April 29th;, for the longest time, I couldn’t even remember how many years he had been sentenced to serve, or how many years he had already served. I was too busy single parenting, too busy working, too busy surviving.

But now that day is here, and I do not want it to be here.

My ex-husband was a Southern Baptist Youth minister, accused and guilty of horrific crimes. Our lives and our church family were shattered years ago, at the news of his arrest. We did not know how we would get to the other side.

I did not know what to do. Where to go. How to put the pieces back together again.

But God, in his infinite goodness, mercy and kindness pulled us into the comforting shelter of a church family and community who wrapped their arms around us and walked beside us….day, after day, after day.

If you are interested in hearing more about our story, which is truly a story of grace and mercy, you can listen to a podcast hosted by our current senior pastor, who invited me to onto the podcast to discuss sexual abuse reform in the Southern Baptist Convention: Pilgrim’s Devotion – Episode 35: Shelly’s Story (While there, check out some of his other episodes – great content worth a listen.)

Today, it truly is well with our souls. There is much to celebrate. Beautiful weddings, the birth of grandchildren. Middle School, high school, and college graduations. So much laughter. Adventures. Joy.

But tonight, we are also reeling a bit, as we approach his release from prison.

One of my four had the very best words to describe the current situation: “It’s like he was a mystical beast locked away and we’ve not had to think about it and now that he’s being let loose in the world, forcing us to deal with it.”

The pain, anger and grief are, in some ways, more poignant today than they were 14 years ago. 14 years ago, there were decisions to make. Everything was urgent. Every day brought new horrors in those early weeks. There was job hunting, school, moving multiple times, lawyers, court dates and fear. Yes, there was anger and sadness, but there were so many other things swirling in those dark days that there was not much time to dwell in the grief. Not that we didn’t wallow in the grief, at times, but the tyranny of the urgent ruled our days. And time marched on – and a new, beautiful normal was created from the ashes. What was decimated, was redeemed in new and astounding ways. (see Joel 2:25a and 2:26-27).

Today – we are older. Or, rather, today I feel old. Tired. There is a weight on my soul tonight, that I cannot shake. Each night for the past two weeks has been wrecked by sleeplessness and nightmares.

I know – am 100% confident – that the anticipation of his release is worse than the actual event. Tomorrow will come and go. And God will remain faithful. His mercies will be new tomorrow morning when I awake – no matter what time of the night or morning it is. And his mercies will be new the next day, the next day, the next day…

And the next.

But tonight, my Mom soul aches for my crew – for the sin done against them. For the pain of being fatherless for several years, until God brought my Ken into our world. I ache for them because I know that they are also hurting tonight. I hurt for their significant others who vacillate between beautiful, protective anger and a sense of helplessness.

Tonight I grieve all the hard days and nights – the times when I had to work three jobs and they had to fend or themselves. The days when I made the wrong decisions in parenting. The times when I couldn’t be there for them, and they had to learn to be there for each other. I grieve the tennis games and music concerts and academic awards events I was unable to attend due to work.

I am also angry. Angry at the evil that sexual abuse is. Angry at how it has deeply scarred my life. And the lives of my children, directly and indirectly.

Angry. Enraged. Furious.

And sad.

Tomorrow will come and go. Tomorrow night, I will get together with my four kids – we will ‘circle the wagons’ once again, as we did 14 years ago. We will be together on this first, hard day of the mystical beast out in the world again. We will laugh, I know – because there is always laughter when we are together. We will also celebrate what God has done – how he has been our everything – our merciful God.

But we will also hurt, together. There will be hugs and “remember when’s” and reassurances.

Friends, I recognize the very rawness of these words tonight – this entry into my website that has, so often, been a saving grace to me; an outlet to process who God is and what this world is – and who I am. But even underneath the bandaid-ripped-off wound tonight, there is a profound and renewed sense of the truth of Psalm 94:17-19, pasted in below. I know these words are true, and at the same time, I am crying out to our God tonight that these words be truth, just as the Psalmist who wrote these words did so many years ago to remind himself of who God is.

My crew and I will not live in the land of silence, because God has been and continues to be our help.

His steadfast love will still and always hold us up.

And He alone consoles and cheers our downtrodden souls tonight….tomorrow…and always.

And as firmly confident as I am, in these truths for my life and for my family’s lives…I am confident they are true for you as well. If you need to a safe place to talk, or want to know more about who this God is, that restores and redeems, helps and holds, consoles and cheers, and saves – please, please feel free to reach out to me via email. I long to introduce you to my Savior.

Psalm 94

If the Lord had not been my help,
    my soul would soon have lived in the land of silence.
¹⁸ When I thought, “My foot slips,”
    your steadfast love, O Lord, held me up.
¹⁹ When the cares of my heart are many,
    your consolations cheer my soul.

Today is St. Patrick’s Day.

I barely remembered to grab my shamrock socks to put on on our way out the door to church this morning. They were not seeable inside my boots…but I was able to check the “green on St. Pat’s Day” box.

I don’t know much about St. Patrick; I did get curious enough to do some Googling today and enjoyed this article over at Crossway: The Life and Mission of St. Patrick.

But even though I am not very knowledgeable of the man, I have had one of his prayers (by tradition; there is no confirmation that he truly wrote this) saved in my files for several years now. It typically comes to my mind once or twice a year, when I dig it out and read through it. I always come away from that exercise with a renewed sense of the glorious depth of the trinity and the rejuvenated cry from my own soul that God be all around me…that I never stray from remaining hemmed in by his grace, mercy, and sovereignty.

So, on this St. Patrick’s Day, I pray to my God:

I arise today, O God. I arise today, as I arose yesterday, and the day before, and the day before.

I arise and continue to arise, even when battered and worn. I arise to meet with you, even when I may not sense your presence. I arise, sometimes, when the night has been dark and difficult. Sometimes when I arise, your goodness and kindness and mercy overwhelm me. I arise to face that which comes my way in the hours of this day, knowing that you alone are God, and I am not. I arise, knowing that I am in your sovereign hands, and there is no surer place to stand, than in you – and that you see and know me and go before me as this day awakens.

I confess that I do not understand the Trinity. I do not grasp how you can be three in one – how the Father, the Son, and the Holy Spirit commune in the perfection of oneness. And maybe, just maybe we are not meant to understand, but rather to take this mystery upon faith. Maybe this is one of those things where I can borrow the words of Psalm 139:6, because surely God, they are true of my soul when it comes to the trinity – “Such knowledge is too wonderful for me; it is high, I cannot attain it.” And you know, God, how important it is for me to strive to understand. To gain knowledge. Help me to sit still in the mystery of who you are; yet revel in the glory that even in that mystery, you are still intimately knowable to my soul. What a gift, what a tremendous gift it is, my God, to know you as my Savior.

And then to borrow again, from the words in Psalm 139, I grasp hold of the truth that you “…hem me in, behind and before, and lay your hand upon me.” (vs. 5). I wonder if St. Patrick had this beautiful words from scripture in mind as he declared “Christ with me; Christ before me, Christ behind me.” O father, hem me in. Let me not stray from your hemming, let me not step away from your loving corral. Let me not look upon it as restriction, but rather freedom…and safety, dear God, Safety! in you.

Christ with me, Christ before me, Christ behind me, Christ in me, Christ beneath me, Christ above me, Christ on my right, Christ on my left, Christ when I lie down, Christ when I sit down.

Amen and amen, my Lord and my God.

Before me, as behind, God is…
And all is well. (John Greenleaf Whittier)

I arise today
Through a mighty strength, the invocation of the Trinity,
Through a belief in the Threeness,
Through confession of the Oneness
Of the Creator of creation.

I arise today
Through the strength of Christ’s birth and His baptism,
Through the strength of His crucifixion and His burial,
Through the strength of His resurrection and His ascension,
Through the strength of His descent for the judgment of doom.

I arise today
Through the strength of heaven;
Light of the sun,
Splendor of fire,
Speed of lightning,
Swiftness of the wind,
Depth of the sea,
Stability of the earth,
Firmness of the rock.

I arise today
Through God’s strength to pilot me;
God’s might to uphold me,
God’s wisdom to guide me,
God’s eye to look before me,
God’s ear to hear me,
God’s word to speak for me,
God’s hand to guard me,
God’s way to lie before me,
God’s shield to protect me.

Christ with me, Christ before me, Christ behind me,
Christ in me, Christ beneath me, Christ above me,
Christ on my right, Christ on my left,
Christ when I lie down, Christ when I sit down,
Christ in the heart of every man who thinks of me,
Christ in the mouth of every man who speaks of me,
Christ in the eye that sees me,
Christ in the ear that hears me.

I arise today
Through a mighty strength, the invocation of the Trinity,
Through a belief in the Threeness,
Through a confession of the Oneness
Of the Creator of creation.