I’m not sure what defines a struggle as long-term.

But when I look at the course of my life, the struggles I see are more often then not “long-term”; the latest being the imprisonment of my ex-husband.

I do not want these struggles.  I selfishly would like them to have never been.  And to currently go away.  A fairy tale ending.  And yet the struggles drag on, day by day.

It’s amazing how fast and how slow time goes; there never seems to be a medium pace to time.

In 1 Corinthians 12, we are introduced to a long-term struggle of Paul’s.  You can read of it below:

7 So to keep me from becoming conceited because of the surpassing greatness of the revelations, a thorn was given me in the flesh, a messenger of Satan to harass me, to keep me from becoming conceited. 8 Three times I pleaded with the Lord about this, that it should leave me. 9 But he said to me, “My grace is sufficient for you, for my power is made perfect in weakness.” Therefore I will boast all the more gladly of my weaknesses, so that the power of Christ may rest upon me. 10 For the sake of Christ, then, I am content with weaknesses, insults, hardships, persecutions, and calamities. For when I am weak, then I am strong.

This story has always bugged me.  What was the thorn in the flesh?  Why was it put there?  Why did God not remove it?  Why did Paul only pray three times for it to be removed?

But there are things that we can learn from this passage.  In verse 7, Paul tells us he believes the thorn was placed there to keep him from being conceited.  I am a very prideful person…sinfully prideful.  My long-term struggle has done some serious damage to my pride.  And I’ll admit, I don’t like it.  But I needed to be humbled, though sometimes that humbling feels so much more like humiliation.  Particularly with struggles that are offshoots of the current main long-term struggle: struggles such as being unable to pay the bills or provide lunch money for my crew.  Struggles with my weight and my mental health.  Humiliating struggles that have shot my pride all to pieces.

But I think it’s important that we focus much more on what God says in this passage.  Here is where the real value of long-term struggle comes from:  “My grace is sufficient for you.  My power is made perfect in weakness.”  Without long-term struggle, would there truly be weakness?  Short-term struggle may produce weakness for a period of time (think “broken leg”); but one who is facing-experiencing-long term struggle (disease, chronic pain, divorce, incarceration, single parenting, and so many more examples) get beat down by that struggle.  Beat down to weakness.  Beat down to a place where there is no where else to turn except to God.  And His power is made perfect in that weakness.  I’ve seen it time and time again in the life of my crew.  A simple example:  Today the ladies in the missions group at church brought by a fruit basket.  Now, my heart breaks to need to be on the list for Thanksgiving fruit baskets.  But that fruit basket brought much needed fruit into this house.  My weakness in being able to provide for my crew is overridden time and time again by the gracious provision of my Lord:  for His power is made perfect in weakness.

I’ve also noticed that Paul’s last statement is truth as well.  “When I am weak, then I am strong.”  At some of my most weakest points—-points where I find myself on the verge of breaking; of my soul shattering—in those moments there sometimes comes a strength that is inexplainable.  It is not of me, for there is no strength in me.  It is strength generated by the God that is in me.  And with that strength comes joy–real joy, even in the midst of terrific fear and failings.

My friends.  It’s not easy.  But scripture doesn’t say it’s going to be easy.  Scripture is truth.  I know some of you are going through some terribly long-term struggles right now.  What I can tell you is this:  Hang. On.  To each other, to scripture, to God, to my Jesus.  Grasp the glimpses of hope that you may see, for they are gifts from God.  Rejoice in your weakness, because only when we are weak, can God work through his strength and power in the midst of the struggle.

Tonight I go to bed struggling.  Struggling with the “D” word (divorce).  Struggling over finances.  Struggling over fear concerning contracts and my job.  Struggling but oh, so grateful for this journey I am on.  You may ask “Shelly, how can you be grateful for this road you’ve been given.”  My answer to you would be that God has shown Himself to be so very real to me in ways that I don’t think I ever would have seen apart from the struggle.  Do I enjoy the struggle?  Heavens, no.  I’d give anything–anything–for our lives (mine and my crew’s) to be ‘normal’, with out the tragedy and struggle.  But even so, I wouldn’t change a thing if it meant seeing less of my Savior’s work in the lives of my crew and in my own life.

For that is gold.  And Joy.

RT @mwesterholm: Psalms in a sentence: “The invention of antiphony: when my heart broke in two, l taught both parts to sing.” @FaithTheology

Above is a tweet that I came across this week, that has stuck in my mind and my soul.  I posted it on my FB wall, but with the caveat that I would change the sentence to read as such:

“The invention of antiphony:  when my heart broke in two, God taught both parts to sing.”

I’m not sure where this quote came from; I included the entire tweet to try to give credit where credit is due.  But regardless of where it came from, it is truth.

The word “antiphony” has three definitions in the dictionary:

1. alternate or responsive singing by a choir in two divisions.
2. a psalm, verse, etc., so sung; antiphon.
3. a responsive musical utterance.

All three definitions can be applied to the Psalms.  But I find the 1st and 3rd to be most relative to my experience with the Psalms.

The Psalms are where I first “sensed” a presence outside of myself—not human; spiritual. Enormous.  Overwhelming.  It occurred in Psalm 38.  It was that Psalm which first led me to cry out to something-or someone-outside of myself.  It was an experience I can’t even really describe.  But it was real.  And it began my seeking out of God at the deepest hurt of my soul.  And I found myself saying to “God” the following verses:

21 Do not forsake me, O Lord!
    O my God, be not far from me!
22 Make haste to help me,
    O Lord, my salvation!

“Hurry God!” was the cry of my soul, for I did not know if I could last much longer.

Since then, and since becoming a believer, I have returned to the Psalms over and over again to express my innermost thoughts and deepest wounds.  I firmly believe God provided them for us in scripture so that we could “look over the shoulder” of the psalm writers and learn what true communication with God looks like.  Praises.  Joy.  Sorrow.  Anger.  It’s all expressed in the Psalms.

Returning to the tweet above, it is also the Psalms that have been an integral part of carrying me through the wounding of a broken heart–a heart broken by crime, by abandonment, by divorce, by pain.  I don’t know how often I’ve turned to the Psalms when I had no words for God.  When I’ve had no words, period.  It’s the God-ordained scripture of the Psalms that has provided a healing balm for my broken heart.

Is my heart still broken?  Yes.  Will it always be broken?  I’ve come to the conclusion that it will.  I don’t see it ever completely healing during life here on this broken world.  I see it becoming perfectly whole when I gain heaven’s ground; but until then, there will always be a crack, a scar, a break in my heart for what has been and what will never be.

But, that doesn’t mean that my God has not healed.  That may sound like an oxymoron, but it’s not.  There can be healing even in the midst of continual pain.  There can be joy even in the midst of suffering.  And there can be singing.

Singing is very important to me.  Music is very important to me.  It’s how I express my praise to my God.  I really don’t sing well, but I love to do it.  And, I can testify that this is truth:  When my heart broke in two, it is God who taught both parts to sing.  And it has been in that singing that healing has been manifested.  Joy has been experienced.  Tears have been dried, fear has been eased.  There is not room for fear and praise in the same breath.

I’ll close with another section of an important Psalm to me.  It’s found in Psalm 86.  It asks God to gladden the soul of His servant.  It declares that God is good and forgiving; abounding in steadfast love.  Maybe your heart is broken in two.  Maybe your wounds are deep.  If so, I urge you to take a look at the Psalms.  And then look at them again.  And again.  Let their words sink into the very fiber of your being–let their words become your words, and see if our God does not cause your broken heart to sing again.

Gladden the soul of your servant,
    for to you, O Lord, do I lift up my soul.
5 For you, O Lord, are good and forgiving,
    abounding in steadfast love to all who call upon you.

 

I’m just finishing up listening through the book of Jeremiah at night before I go to sleep.

It’s a strange book.  And disturbing.

I’ve not found it easy to fall asleep to, because there isn’t much comfort to be found in this book.  It seems to be full of God’s wrath.  Quite frankly, I find it a bit frightening and I’ll be glad to finish it up tonight.  I guess that’s kind of funny.

But I did find one passage that I think merits further contemplation.  I posted it on my Facebook wall last night.  It’s found in Jeremiah 9:23-24:

23 Thus says the Lord: “Let not the wise man boast in his wisdom, let not the mighty man boast in his might, let not the rich man boast in his riches, 24 but let him who boasts boast in this, that he understands and knows me, that I am the Lord who practices steadfast love, justice, and righteousness in the earth. For in these things I delight, declares the Lord.”

I understand verse 23.  The wise man should not boast of his wisdom.  The mighty man should not boast of his might.  The rich man should not boast of his riches.

Boasting means to brag.  And no one likes someone who brags continually.  It’s wearisome.  It’s obnoxious.  And the word “boasting” seems to be even more intense than the word “bragging”.  It sounds so much more self-centered; selfish; self-consumed.  I don’t want to be known as a boaster.  If that is a word.

But take a look at verse 24:  Let him who boasts boast in this—that he understands and knows me, that I am the Lord…

What??  Does this strike you as strange?  It does me, because boasting has such a negative connotation.  but this scripture seems to say that if someone is going to boast, let their boasting be that they understand and know God.  Yes, I am struggling with this idea.

It’s sort of the same trouble that I have with 2 Corinthians 11:16-33 where Paul boasts about his sufferings.  Who would boast-brag-about such a thing?  Boasting leaves a bad taste in one’s mouth.

Unless, I suppose, the goal of the boasting is to give glory to God.  Going back to Jeremiah 9:24, we see that the boasting is that a person understands and knows God.  I can grasp the “knowing God” part, but I have a difficult time grasping the “understanding God” part.

I don’t understand God.  His ways are not my ways.  They are beyond my understanding.

As you can tell, I’m wrestling with this passage and have no answers.  Except this:

The second part of verse 24th is truth.  And this I do know.  And, I suppose, I boast in it as well, if by boasting I mean that I brag on my God.  Not on my knowledge of God, but on God Himself.  For my knowledge and understanding of Him is less–much less–than that of a mustard seed.  But this I know is truth:

• God is a God that practices steadfast love.  As I continue to research and write for my book project, I remain captivated by this phrase, because it seems no other phrase comes as close to describing God’s love as the word “steadfast”; and, because of His steadfast love, I can stand fast in that love.
• God is a God of Justice.  Justice is something I don’t understand well.  There are things in my life that I question God’s justice on.  But who am I to do so?  He practices justice—the only perfect justice available.  He is the only perfect judge.  And one day, justice will be served to each of us–but justice served out of love and perfection.
• God is a God of righteousness.  And it is His righteousness that covers my sin, through the death and sacrifice of His son on the cross, and His resurrection three days later.

In these things, the Lord delights.  He delights in them.  And if He delights in them, then I can understand where boasting about these qualities of my God is appropriate.  Therefore, I will boast in my Lord.  I will boast that He took my life–a broken, sinful mess–and granted me salvation and a new life.  Not that I have done anything to deserve it.  At all.

But then, isn’t that what grace is all about?