All is Well

Before me, even as behind, God is, and all is well ~ John Greenleaf Whittier

Enough Light for the Step I Am On

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I took today off from work.

It was a day that held tremendous encouragement mixed with some discouragement.  After not much sleep, I awoke and was able to both study some for my final I was to take later in the day, plus I was able to make it all the way through my morning scripture study and prayer materials–I rarely make it all the way through.  I cleaned the house and van spotless.  I had a very encouraging visit with a good friend.  My girl won an art contest with a $100 prize and an invitation to an award banquet.’

But it also held some discouragement.  A phone call telling me that my ex-husband has been moved to a lower security prison (this is good news, but it stirs up all sorts of thoughts that weigh heavy on my soul.  Today is his birthday).  I found out what I am actually making salary-wise, and apart from the grace of God, it is impossible to provide for my crew.  It’s a scary thought that after today I need to file it away so as not to become overwhelmed.

And, I took my New Testament 501 final, which absolutely, completely, entirely, thoroughly, comprehensibly killed my brain.  But, my fault.  My fault for trying to cram too many facts, too many similar epistles, too many similar themes into just a few short weeks.

So, like most days for most people, this day held it’s share of encouragements and discouragements, steps forward and stagnation,  hope and despair.

Tomorrow morning I must get up and go back to work.  Ugh.  I must keep doing the things that I know to do to keep providing for my crew, to keep pressing forward.

I am so tired.  I am so tired.  I am so tired.  I am so tired, and yet I am staying in the game.  For now.  For tonight.  For tomorrow, because I can’t see much past tomorrow.

I’ve been thinking about the lyrics and singing “His Eye is on the Sparrow” lately.  I think because I am completely captured by this verse:

“Let not your heart be troubled,”
His tender word I hear,
And resting on His goodness,
I lose my doubts and fears;
Though by the path He leadeth
But one step I may see:

“Though by the path He leadeth, but one step I may see…”

And that is it exactly.  Exactly.  I have no other choice but to try to follow my God’s lead, even if it means I can only see the next step.  Or, maybe sometimes I can’t even see the next step–there is only light enough for the step I am on.

I have to learn to be ok with that.  It goes against my nature, against my personality.  But I suppose that is where Faith comes in.

These verses below were meant for the Israelites.  But O God, please let them be for me as well!

Jeremiah 29:11-13

11 wFor I know the plans I have for you, declares the Lord, plans for welfare2 and not for evil, xto give you a future and a hope. 12 yThen you will call upon me and come and pray to me, yand I will hear you. 13 zYou will seek me and find me, when you seek me awith all your heart.

My Smalls Left Today……..

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And, as I am sometimes wont to doing (***wont is a fantastic word, not used nearly enough in writing or speaking), I am reflecting on the idea that they are in an American Airlines jet—probably a 767, maybe a 747—far away from me, and really far away from anyone who loves them the way my soul loves them.

I’m not worried about them.  O, sure I am prayful about many things regarding their journey—that they will make their connections, that Mark won’t have a nosebleed, that they’ll not forget one of their backpacks some place, that they will enjoy themselves and arrive safely.  But I’m not worried.  We’ve flown enough, and they have flown by themselves enough, that I have full confidence in my smalls and in American Airlines to get them to Kona safely.

But their departure, along with the concurrent anniversary dates of my ex-husband’s arrest, have me reevaluating, well–just about everything.  And while I know that too much introspection can lead to negative things such as arrogance, self-centeredness and, to be truthful, insanity; I also know that this is what I do.  I think.  I think and I think and I think.

If I can completely trust two of my most precious things in my life–my smalls–to a metal tube hurtling at 567 mph at 35,000 feet, then why do I find it so hard, so challenging, so mind-boggling to trust my God who created the minds that created the technology that is allowing my smalls to fly to Hawaii today?

Have you ever been in turbulance?  I mean real turbulance, where the passengers are gasping and nervously chuckling and looking at each other and at the flight attendants for some reassurance?  I have, a few times.  One time was during a storm, when the lightening seemed to engulf the entire plane.  Up and Down, Side to Side, the frame shudders and creaks and groans.  It was amazing.  I loved every minute of it–seriously.  I love turbulance, I’m an odd duck.

The funny thing about turbulance is that you can’t “see” the air pockets that are causing the gully’s, but you can feel their effects.

I can’t see my God.  I often can’t sense my God.  I lie awake at night asking him to give me a sense–an awareness of His presence.  And oftentimes–I don’t understand why–that “prayer” is answered with silence.  And I then find myself in the familiar struggle of doubt.  The familiar struggle of unbelief.

But though I can’t see my God, I see His effects, just like I feel the effects of turbulance.  They sky.  An uninterrupted night of sleep.  A friend who encourages me by saying my house seemed peaceful, when all could be chaos.

I miss my smalls tonight.  And, ok, I’ll admit, I’m a bit worried about them and will feel more at ease and able to sleep once I get the phone call at 2 AM that they have arrived safely.

And while I trust the plane, I must work on trusting my God.  Not an easy task.  I’m reminded of the verse in Acts 17:

27 that they should seek God, in the hope that they might feel their way toward him and find him. Yet he is actually not far from each one of us,

He is not actually far from each one of us….but I must seek Him, I must feel my way toward Him.  I must do the work–the scripture work, the prayer work, the soul work that it takes to urge, push, shove, demand that my soul trust Him.  I am encouraged that my friend recognized peace in this house, because I work at it–I work hard at it.

May I work as hard at seeking God so as to sense His peace in my oft-troubled soul and mind.

When Enough is not Enough (or Waiting)

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Here it is, a Saturday night.  Tomorrow is Sunday.

And the only thought that seems to be hammering away in my skull is that my enough is not enough.  It does not seem to be enough.

I’ve seemingly hit a wall.  I can’t seem to see over it, around it, through it.  I can’t see past it, I can’t seem to move it.  It is big.  It is impenetrable.

And I am laying here in this fever-induced hazed (therefore, admittedly not clear) thinking “When God?  When can I breathe again?  When will I find work?  When will I be able to go to school?  When will I be able to go to school?!!??  When will I be able to provide for my children?  When will I be able to write?  When will I get to go home?  When will I get to go home?”

I’m working so hard.  Doing what I know to do.  Drag myself to work.  Teach.  Sell Books.  Sell Bibles.  Sell Ink Pens with the 10 Commandments on them. Parent as best as I know how.  Search for that elusive full-time job.  Do my very best on my school work.  And most importantly, do scripture work and pray, do scripture work and pray.  And pray.  And pray.  And wait.  And wait.  And wait.

But when will my enough, be enough, because my enough is not enough right now.  My enough is not enough.  It is not sufficient.  Is God?   He must be.  He has to be.  I need Him to be.

Maybe that is poor theology.  I don’t know.  Or maybe this fever is affecting my brain cells.

And so I preach to myself.

I am reminded tonight of a sermon I listened to recently during the Easter season, by John Ortberg.  It’s the only sermon I’ve heard where so much was said about a scripture that wasn’t there.  To say it impacted me is an understatement.

His topic was Saturday.  Meaning the Saturday, the time in between the death of Christ and the Resurrection.

His topic was about Waiting.  I should listen to it again.

But I don’t think I could bear it tonight, so instead,  I preach to myself.

Genesis 49:18—– I wait for your salvation, O Lord.

Job 14:13-14——-13 Oh that you would hide me in Sheol, that you would conceal me until your wrath be past, that you would appoint me a set time, and remember me! 14 If a man dies, shall he live again? All the days of my service I would wait, till my renewal should come.

Job 35:13-14

13 Surely God does not hear an empty cry, nor does the Almighty regard it. 14 How much less when you say that you do not see him, that the case is before him, and you are waiting for him!

Psalm 25:3

3 Indeed, none who wait for you shall be put to shame;

Psalm 25:5

5 Lead me in your truth and teach me, for you are the God of my salvation; for you I wait all the day long

Psalm 27:14

14 Wait for the Lord; be strong, and let your heart take courage; wait for the Lord!

Psalm 33:20

20 Our soul waits for the Lord; he is our help and our shield.

Psalm 38:15

15 But for you, O Lord, do I wait; it is you, O Lord my God, who will answer.

Psalm 39:7

7 “And now, O Lord, for what do I wait? My hope is in you.

Psalm 62:1

1 For God alone my soul waits in silence; from him comes my salvation.

Psalm 69:3

3 I am weary with my crying out; my throat is parched. My eyes grow dim with waiting for my God.

Psalm 130:5

5 I wait for the Lord, my soul waits, and in his word I hope;

Isaiah 25:9

9 It will be said on that day, “Behold, this is our God; we have waited for him, that he might save us. This is the Lord; we have waited for him; let us be glad and rejoice in his salvation.

Isaiah 40:31

31 but they who wait for the Lord shall renew their strength; they shall mount up with wings like eagles; they shall run and not be weary; they shall walk and not faint.

Lamentations 3:24-26

24 “The Lord is my portion,” says my soul, “therefore I will hope in him.” 25 The Lord is good to those who wait for him, to the soul who seeks him. 26 It is good that one should wait quietly for the salvation of the Lord.

Micah 7:7

7 But as for me, I will look to the Lord; I will wait for the God of my salvation; my God will hear me.

Romans 8:23-25

23 And not only the creation, but we ourselves, who have the firstfruits of the Spirit, groan inwardly as we wait eagerly for adoption as sons, the redemption of our bodies. 24 For in this hope we were saved. Now hope that is seen is not hope. For who hopes for what he sees? 25 But if we hope for what we do not see, we wait for it with patience.

June 21

21 keep yourselves in the love of God, waiting for the mercy of our Lord Jesus Christ that leads to eternal life.

UPDATE:

One of the songs last night during worship was “Enough”.  And that made me think of this post that I wrote.  It’s a little bit of a different take on this subject, then the direction I was coming at it from.  But still applicable I think.  Is God more than enough to me?  And what would it look like, if He was?

All of You is more than enough for all of me
For every thirst and every need
You satisfy me with Your love
And all I have in You is more than enough

You are my supply
My breath of life
And still more awesome than I know
You are my reward
worth living for
And still more awesome than I know

All of You is more than enough for all of me
For every thirst and every need
You satisfy me with Your love
And all I have in You is more than enough

You’re my sacrifice
Of greatest price
And still more awesome than I know
You’re the coming King
You are everything
And still more awesome than I know

More than all I want
More than all I need
You are more than enough for me
More than all I know
More than all I can say
You are more than enough for me

 

 

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Scripture and the Fight against Depression

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Earlier today I wrote a post about depression.  What I neglected to do, is emphasize the role that scripture, study and prayer has in my fight against depression.

I don’t have time right now to delve deeper into this subject, but I want to share a website that I am using in my early morning study time.

I have a regular discipline that I follow every morning—my time with God, where I try to approach Him honestly and openly, sometimes succeeding, sometimes failing.  I was introduced to this concept by a friend of mine and it has had a profound effect on my relationship with God, because during that hour I meet with the one who knows me and loves my soul, even when I don’t know myself.

Following that time, I am trying once again, to daily read scripture.  Yes, a daily reading plan, so that I can get a better overview of the Bible.  I am so ignorant of so much that scripture says.

There are so many good plans out there.  So many.  Where does one even start to choose a plan that works best for them?

Justin Taylor has written an excellent post that thoroughly explores Bible Reading Plan Choices.  You can find that post by clicking HERE.  You may think you are “behind” for the year, since it is already January 11th.  That is wrong thinking.  The importance lies not in the date, but in the words that are entering your mind and your heart each and every day.

I personally am using the ESV Study Bible Reading Plan for this year, which has me reading out of four different areas of scripture daily.  I find that it is giving me the wider scope of scripture that I hope will help me to gain a better overview of the Bible in its entirety.

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