It’s been a few days since something truly hysterical has happened to me.  I have been patiently waiting.


Today, finally, something worth writing about.


I have just completed a job application for Walmart, via Walmart.com.  Pretty standard stuff, except for the following:


1.  A 5 step security process, including a complicated password requirement, many pages of “I agree”‘s, along with choosing 5–yes 5—prewritten security questions and answers.  Under the questions “I have a ______for a pet”, I think they had every exotic and domestic option known to mankind, except for maybe the pet tick that I am inadvertantly keeping in a cup in my bathroom (only because I keep forgetting to flush him.  His name is Frank)


2.  Walmart has the scary capability of knowing that, years ago, I worked as a Customer Service Manager.  YIKES.  It asked me for my social security number, and then brought up my work history—from years and years and years ago!  I. Am. Scared.  But maybe that means they have on file that I was an amazing employee, which, of course, I was.


3.  The online form asked me how much I want to be paid, per hour.  How does one answer that truthfully?  I WANT to be paid upwards of $35.00 per hour, actually.


4.  At the end of a very lengthy application, I could not save and post my application until I took a 65—yes, a 65!!!!  question evaluation.  This is where things got really surreal.  For example:


A.  Susie and Tom are arguing.  Susie is accusing Tom of not completing a work assignment, thus hindering her ability to complete her assignment.  The argument is heated.  You work in the same department as Tom, however you were not aware of the assignment.  You….


1.  Join the argument, sticking up for Tom and demanding that Susie apologize.
2.  Quickly go down a different aisle, so as to avoid both the argument and the work that may result from the assignments.
3.  Run quickly to get a manager, telling him that Susie and Tom can not get along and something should be done.
4.  Introduce yourself to both parties, ask if there is anything you can do, to help remedy the problem.


REALLY???  They forgot the 5th option:  Declare your right to perform a citizen arrest for Susie and Tom’s immaturity, fire them both, and then raid their lockers to add their bags of popcorn and Twinkies to your own stash for your 15 minute breaks.


Here’s another good one:  “I regularly steal from my employer”  (Answer Strongly agree, agree, neither agree or disagree, disagree, strongly disagree).


Hmmm.  Wow.


Really, obviously the powers that be have put much time and thought into their online application.  All in all, though lengthy, it was easy to understand and to complete.


My last job at Walmart was at a Walmart on the island of Hawaii, overlooking Kona-town and the bay, with an unimpeded view of the sky on the days I was assigned to the garden center.  I’m not guessing I will get such a perk in Yorktown or Newport News, VA.