I am slogging through a book right now that is absolutely breaking my brain.
And, a bit of my soul, too.
I’m not going to share with you the title, because I don’t want you to read it. That’s a huge departure from what I normally do here in this space, which is share books with you that I think are worth your time to explore.
Not this one.
It is a big, nerdy, theological treatise by a very long-dead guy. A guy greatly respected by many of the authors that I read, which is why, when I saw that a new translation had been published, I decided to pick it up.
I’m just stubborn enough to finish it, but good grief.
It’s not hard reading. War and Peace was on a more challenging level (she says, arrogantly with much ugly pride, ugh), if one were to rate books as difficult to easy reading. I would put this as moderate.
But what it has done/is doing to my brain, is difficult.
I have wrestled more with questions during the reading of this book, than I have in a very long time. I have battled doubt and fear. Am battling doubt and fear. Even right now, as I write this.
I don’t get angry easily. Not at people. I can and do get angry at books. And this one particular section I am currently reading has made me furious.
It’s not that I disagree, or necessarily think that the author is wrong. He could be…he is, or was, after all, just a man. But I am more than confident that he has a greater and much more solid grasp of scripture than I do or than I ever will.
I just don’t like his conclusions.
But I can’t necessarily refute them, either. Not when I know that scripture is truth; particularly, scripture such as Ephesians 1, and Romans 8, and all the way back in Genesis 3.
These things have me completely and utterly wrapped around the axle today.
I have work colleagues in town this week, so I drove out to their hotel late today to retrieve some documents that I need to work on tomorrow. That gave me time in the car to think some more, and of course my blasted mind went straight to these things. Again.
As I drove and thought and thought and drove, I remembered something…I had highlighted a portion of the beginning of this particularly troublesome section. When I got home, I opened up the brick that is this book and turned to those highlights.
Like I mentioned above, I’m not going to cite the author, because I don’t want you to read this book, unless you discover it on your own. So, adding this quote below, here, is probably illegal, in the sense that I’m not citing the author. But all I think you need to know is that this is written by a long-dead theologian:
“But before proceeding further with my argument, I must as a preliminary address two sorts of people. Given that the controversy over {subject at hand} is itself somewhat obscure, men’s curiosity makes it involved, perplexing and even dangerous because the human mind cannot refrain from following every twist and turn and climbing far too high. It would like, if that were possible, to allow God no secrets which it does not pore over and carefully examine……
….they are entering the sanctuary of divine wisdom. Anyone who pries into it…..will stumble into a labyrinth from which he will find no way out. For it is not right that the things which God has sought to conceal and whose knowledge he has kept for himself should be scrutinized in this way by men.
Once we grasp the idea that God’s word is the only path which allows us to investigate all that we may lawfully know about him, and is likewise the only light by which we behold all that may be lawfully seen of him…..we will realize that by going beyond the bounds of Scripture we will be straying off into darkness, and will inevitably with every step wander, stumble, and trip up.”
Tripped. Up.
I think that, at some level, in some recess of the mind and soul, this is where faith comes in to play. Faith to be able to say “Ok, God. So I want to know–I want to understand this aspect of you and your plan. I want to understand why it has to be this way. I want more information. But I am going to have to trust you. I mean really trust you. And I’m finding that a bit challenging on this theological issue. Because my questions are many. Many God. The bombard my mind every single day. If this, than that. And Why not this instead of that. I recognize that it is prideful and arrogant and probably downright sinful. But I can’t seem to stop the questions. The doubt. The unbelief. I have to again, again, again, beg you to help my unbelief. Give me the faith that I need, because I can’t seem to produce it on my own.”
Actually, the author of this mind-boggling book, says it better than I ever could hope to:
“Conversely, when he ceases to teach, may we stop wanting to know more.”
Scripture is sufficient. I must preach that to myself. Over, and over, and over again. And maybe you need to do the same.
I’m singing a new song at church in a couple of weeks. The lyrics……they are basically me taking myself in hand….speaking to myself. Preaching to myself. Admonishing myself. The first verse goes like this:
Arise, my soul, arise
Shake off your guilty fears
The bleeding sacrifice
On my behalf appears
Before the throne my surety stands
Before the throne my surety stands
My name is written on His hands
All of those words. All of them.
But tonight, even though I am still uneasy, even though I am still shaded a bit by confusion and am still (maybe more than a bit) unsettled, I have a new appreciation for this line right here:
Shake off your guilty fears.
My soul arise.
