When Enough is not Enough (or Waiting)

Here it is, a Saturday night.  Tomorrow is Sunday.

And the only thought that seems to be hammering away in my skull is that my enough is not enough.  It does not seem to be enough.

I’ve seemingly hit a wall.  I can’t seem to see over it, around it, through it.  I can’t see past it, I can’t seem to move it.  It is big.  It is impenetrable.

And I am laying here in this fever-induced hazed (therefore, admittedly not clear) thinking “When God?  When can I breathe again?  When will I find work?  When will I be able to go to school?  When will I be able to go to school?!!??  When will I be able to provide for my children?  When will I be able to write?  When will I get to go home?  When will I get to go home?”

I’m working so hard.  Doing what I know to do.  Drag myself to work.  Teach.  Sell Books.  Sell Bibles.  Sell Ink Pens with the 10 Commandments on them. Parent as best as I know how.  Search for that elusive full-time job.  Do my very best on my school work.  And most importantly, do scripture work and pray, do scripture work and pray.  And pray.  And pray.  And wait.  And wait.  And wait.

But when will my enough, be enough, because my enough is not enough right now.  My enough is not enough.  It is not sufficient.  Is God?   He must be.  He has to be.  I need Him to be.

Maybe that is poor theology.  I don’t know.  Or maybe this fever is affecting my brain cells.

And so I preach to myself.

I am reminded tonight of a sermon I listened to recently during the Easter season, by John Ortberg.  It’s the only sermon I’ve heard where so much was said about a scripture that wasn’t there.  To say it impacted me is an understatement.

His topic was Saturday.  Meaning the Saturday, the time in between the death of Christ and the Resurrection.

His topic was about Waiting.  I should listen to it again.

But I don’t think I could bear it tonight, so instead,  I preach to myself.

Genesis 49:18—– I wait for your salvation, O Lord.

Job 14:13-14——-13 Oh that you would hide me in Sheol, that you would conceal me until your wrath be past, that you would appoint me a set time, and remember me! 14 If a man dies, shall he live again? All the days of my service I would wait, till my renewal should come.

Job 35:13-14

13 Surely God does not hear an empty cry, nor does the Almighty regard it. 14 How much less when you say that you do not see him, that the case is before him, and you are waiting for him!

Psalm 25:3

3 Indeed, none who wait for you shall be put to shame;

Psalm 25:5

5 Lead me in your truth and teach me, for you are the God of my salvation; for you I wait all the day long

Psalm 27:14

14 Wait for the Lord; be strong, and let your heart take courage; wait for the Lord!

Psalm 33:20

20 Our soul waits for the Lord; he is our help and our shield.

Psalm 38:15

15 But for you, O Lord, do I wait; it is you, O Lord my God, who will answer.

Psalm 39:7

7 “And now, O Lord, for what do I wait? My hope is in you.

Psalm 62:1

1 For God alone my soul waits in silence; from him comes my salvation.

Psalm 69:3

3 I am weary with my crying out; my throat is parched. My eyes grow dim with waiting for my God.

Psalm 130:5

5 I wait for the Lord, my soul waits, and in his word I hope;

Isaiah 25:9

9 It will be said on that day, “Behold, this is our God; we have waited for him, that he might save us. This is the Lord; we have waited for him; let us be glad and rejoice in his salvation.

Isaiah 40:31

31 but they who wait for the Lord shall renew their strength; they shall mount up with wings like eagles; they shall run and not be weary; they shall walk and not faint.

Lamentations 3:24-26

24 “The Lord is my portion,” says my soul, “therefore I will hope in him.” 25 The Lord is good to those who wait for him, to the soul who seeks him. 26 It is good that one should wait quietly for the salvation of the Lord.

Micah 7:7

7 But as for me, I will look to the Lord; I will wait for the God of my salvation; my God will hear me.

Romans 8:23-25

23 And not only the creation, but we ourselves, who have the firstfruits of the Spirit, groan inwardly as we wait eagerly for adoption as sons, the redemption of our bodies. 24 For in this hope we were saved. Now hope that is seen is not hope. For who hopes for what he sees? 25 But if we hope for what we do not see, we wait for it with patience.

June 21

21 keep yourselves in the love of God, waiting for the mercy of our Lord Jesus Christ that leads to eternal life.

UPDATE:

One of the songs last night during worship was “Enough”.  And that made me think of this post that I wrote.  It’s a little bit of a different take on this subject, then the direction I was coming at it from.  But still applicable I think.  Is God more than enough to me?  And what would it look like, if He was?

All of You is more than enough for all of me
For every thirst and every need
You satisfy me with Your love
And all I have in You is more than enough

You are my supply
My breath of life
And still more awesome than I know
You are my reward
worth living for
And still more awesome than I know

All of You is more than enough for all of me
For every thirst and every need
You satisfy me with Your love
And all I have in You is more than enough

You’re my sacrifice
Of greatest price
And still more awesome than I know
You’re the coming King
You are everything
And still more awesome than I know

More than all I want
More than all I need
You are more than enough for me
More than all I know
More than all I can say
You are more than enough for me